One Step Forward... Ten Steps Back...

Amber and I did not have a good ride today. I rode up to the indoor with Heather, and the indoor makes Amber nervous (or makes me nervous and in turn makes her nervous) Well we were up there for a bit and I just felt tense. So I asked Heather if we could go back down to the outdoor. So she left the indoor first and Amber followed well Amber started having a little temper tantrum that Heidi was walking away. I know I should have just relaxed and pushed her through it but instead I got tense and sucked back and took hold of her. So instead of continuing to go forward she started going backwards, sideways, throwing small bucks, and spinning. At that point my nerves were shot so I jumped off of her (which I know I should not have done, I understand this) and walked her the rest of the way to the outdoor where I lunged her for 5 minutes and then got back on and just walked her around for about 10 minutes focusing on relaxing and breathing, then rode her back down to the barn. I know that bad days happen but its days like this that make me wonderful if I'll ever get over my anxiety issues with Amber, and if we'll ever get back to where we used to be what seems like a million years ago...

I haven't spent much time with Rayna since she got to the barn. I'm hoping to spend some time with her tomorrow, depending on what time I end up getting to the barn. I'm not going to lie I am super nervous about getting back on her. I haven't ridden her in 2 months, easily. The last person on her was the owner of the last barn we were at, she was a star, I don't know why I'm so nervous about getting back on her. I got her a great new bit,  and a new saddle and I think we'll be ok I just need to buck up the courage and just freaking get on her!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I rode Amber again today! She was really good. I focused on being calm and relaxed in the saddle and we just worked on circles, loops, diagonals, and some legs yielding on a loose rein at the walk and trot. She was relaxed and responsive and I actually had a lot of fun riding her. On the way back down to the barn from the arena the horses in one of the fields started acting up and my first reaction was to tense up and expect her to act up. As soon as I tensed up she started getting jittery and nervous, so I took a deep breath, lengthened the reins and forced myself to relax, as soon as I did that she relaxed and walked happily the rest of the way to the barn.

I hope I'm doing the right thing, giving her yet another chance. Einstein said (supposedly) that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That means that this time I need to somehow do something differently so Amber and I don't keep falling back into the same pattern that we've been in for the last 4 or 5 years. She really is a good horse, and I really can handle her, I just need to learn to have more faith in her and more faith in myself.

In other exciting news Rayna has been picked up by my friend who is shipping her to Kentucky for me, she will be spending the night at my friends barn and they will be leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn! Rayna should be arriving in Kentucky tomorrow evening! I'm excited! I've missed her and I can't wait to see her again. 

Courage is Being Scared to Death and Saddling up Anyway

So I did it, I got on Amber again. It's been months since I was on that horses back. And I'll admit it felt nice to be back on a horse that has some training under it's girth. The ride started out well enough, We rode from the bottom barn all the way to the indoor, she was forward and happy. Once we got to the indoor she was a little spooky but nothing bad, her spooks are easy enough to sit to. I started trotting figure eights and circles and serpentine's with her and got her nice and relaxed and on the bit. Then I made the mistake of asking her to canter, when neither of us were probably really ready to be cantering together again. She picked it up like a star, we did about half a circle and she did a small "I feel good" buck, and then broke gait back to a trot.

Naturally me being the chicken shit that I am, tensed up after that, and when I asked her to canter again she reacted to my tense body and tight grip on the reins by throwing her heading, jumping sideways and spinning. She hates when I hold her face like that, and I don't realize I'm doing it, its a natural reaction when I'm nervous. So we fell apart for a bit, then I got her trotting figure eights again and got her soft again at the trot. Then we went on a mini trail ride, she was up but good. I know I'm a good enough rider to handle her, I don't know why she makes me so nervous!

Yeah she can be a bit of a spazz sometimes, but with consistent work she really is a good, and fun horse to ride! She used to be fantastic, we used to have such a good relationship, and she never used to be spooky, I was trail riding her solo when she was 4 years old. I know in my heart her spooky behavior is a reflection of my spooky behavior, I really need to decide what I'm doing with this horse, I feel like at this point, after everything her and I have gone through, that it would be stupid to give up now. If I sold her and shopped for something else, I would be shopping for something just like her.

In other horsey news, Rayna will be here Saturday August 8, Her new saddle (A gorgeous 19" dressage saddle) was waiting for me when I got here on Saturday, I cannot wait to try it on her. I think going the dressage route with Rayna is smart (and of course some trail riding) Shes a good mover, and even if we never get past Intro it will still be a lot of fun. Her new bit should be arriving soon so I'll have everything ready when she arrives. I really can't wait for Rayna to get here, now that I have some real time to work with her! I need to get her back on track.

Don't Look Back... You're Not Going That Way

I find myself still looking back and thinking about Gus quite often. I still miss him a lot. He was the first since Phoenix that I felt 100% safe on and he reminded me so much of Phoenix, from his attitude to the way he moved, especially his canter. Alana's excuse for backing out on her promise to give him to me was that I was "too heavy" for him. Which I still think is complete bullshit. And many people agree with me. I think Alana was just being (excuse my language) a cunt. Now that poor animal is going to rot out in the back field, and be pulled out once a year for fair, and forced over a course even though he isn't in shape. He's walking on high heels, and he's never going to be properly taken care of, and it breaks my heart every single time I think about it. 

But I know I can't dwell in the past anymore. In one week I will be starting my brand new life in Kentucky and the past needs to finally be put to rest. And that includes my tendency to compare every single horse to Phoenix, because he was my first and maybe last heart horse and there will never be another one of him. 

I am also going to force myself to be braver. I'm a good rider, I know I am, I can handle a lot and I need to stop being nervous because that just makes everything 10x worse. I am bound and determined to ride at least 4x a week once I am in Kentucky, both mares if I do decided to give Amber another chance. Which is something I am actually really looking forward to. I had a dream the other night where I was riding Amber in the outdoor ring at Tamarack. We were schooling through lateral work and canter work, and all of the stuff that Rayna isn’t ready for yet. I woke up smiling, it made me really excited to get back on her when I get to Kentucky. This horse and I must be destined or something. Every time I try to sell her, or push her away or give her away she always ends up coming back to me. Maybe it’s time to push the fear aside, push the past aside, and buckle down and put some real honest to goodness work into this horse and see where it takes us!

Lots to Think About

I have not ridden my horse in over a month. I know, I know, not good at all. I'm not really sure what I haven't ridden her. She's been having some issues with mounting, and instead of working with her I've kind of shied away from her, and the longer I stayed off of her the more nervous I became about getting back on her. My friend got on her last week, and Rayna was stellar, she even rode her in spurs for the first time, it made me feel a lot better about getting back on her, which I will be doing on Friday! After watching Margarite ride her, I think my plans of doing dressage with her are still very much possible! She's a super nice mover!! My goal is to show her intro A at the horse park in the spring. I think it's totally doable! I just need to either lose weight or get a new dressage saddle because my ass eats the one I currently have, and that does not look good in the show ring, at all.

On the bright side her feet are looking so much better, her hinds are finally growing in well, just in time to find a new farrier in Kentucky. No more skin issues, no more mite issues, and her issues with being tacked and haltered are now minimal. Considering that I couldn't touch her face when I got her or put anything on her back without her panicking and trembling, I'm happy with her progress.

On another horse topic I have been thinking about buying a second horse so I can start jumping again, and have been told that it would be silly to buy another horse when I still have Amber (who is currently being leased by my best friend) who is perfectly capable of jumping and really doing anything I want her to do. Amber and I have such a mixed history I'm not really sure what I want to do. We feed off of each other and for reasons that I don't even understand 100% we make each other nervous. Once I get down to KY in a couple of weeks I'm going to start riding her again and see how it goes. I guess it can't hurt to give her one more shot! 

Band-aids Don't Fix Bullet Holes

"You're too fat to ride"
"You'll never be able to jump more the 2 foot because you're too heavy"
"You'll never place, let alone win in EQ or Hunter shows because of your weight"
"Someone your size will only ever be able to ride draft horses"

Growing up around horses I was told all of this and more. I have always been a big girl, tallest person in my class all through elementary school and most of middle school, and chubby to boot, I was teased a lot. Even now I'm a solid 6 feet tall and hovering around 275 at the moment. I will never be a "Skinny" person, a healthy weight for my height and build is between 190 and 200lbs, and my hips will never let me into a jean size below a 14. So even if I was at a healthy weight I would still be considered plus sized, heavy, overweight, etc by society and more specifically horse world standards.

When I was young I was always the big kid at the barn. My instructor was constantly telling me that I was too heavy. I remember one time she pulled me off of the pony I was riding in the middle of a lesson, brought me up to the house and made me get on the scale. I was probably 10 years old, it was horrible and embarrassing. I never did ride that pony again. And when I say pony I don't mean welsh or Shetland, this was a 14.2 solid built mustang. At the age of maybe 11 I was informed that because of my weight I was only able to ride 2 of the horses on the farm, an old QH thing and a draft cross, just those 2 out of like 25 horses. I was 11...

Now I know that trainer was extreme, and that if I had grown up riding somewhere else I probably wouldn't have gone through that kind of experience. But I did, and I'll tell you it did a number on my psyche, my self-image and my confidence on the horses. I was told that I would never be able to jump anything over 2 foot because I was too heavy. That I could ride in shows if I wanted to but I probably wouldn't place, let alone win, in the hunter or EQ classes because when I rode I didn't make a pretty picture, and that the only horses I would ever be able to ride would be drafts and draft crosses.

By the time I was 16 I started learning to stand up for myself. My parents bought me my first horse, and we didn't consult with my trainer at all (that really pissed her off). I ended up with a 17 year old solid red dunn appaloosa gelding named Phoenix. She hated him because he wasn't her idea of what I should ride. But I loved that horse more then anything, and I learned a whole lot from him. We kicked butt at local shows placing in and even winning EQ over fences and under saddle classes.

This is me and Phoenix the first year I had him

Phoenix and I at a show when I was 17

Phoenix was a once in a lifetime horse. We said goodbye to him about a year and a half ago at the age of 30. He gave me the confidence I needed to become the ride that I wanted to be, the rider that my first trainer didn't think I could be because of my size. I left that farm not long after to go to college, and never looked back. I have been the proud mom to some wonderful horses, and have done everything that that first trainer told me I couldn't do.I have jumped over 2', I have shown and won in EQ over fence classes, EQ under saddle classes, Hunter Classes and HUS classes.

Have most of my horses been drafts or crosses? Yes, but that is because I love draft horses, I have ridden paints, QHs, appaloosas, thoroughbreds, warmbloods,etc. Everything I went through when I was younger has pushed me to be the best rider that I can be for me. Do I have confidence issues sometimes? Of course, but I'll tell you it never has anything to do with my size. 

Never let other people get you down. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

If you want to jump, then jump.

If you want to do dressage, then do dressage. 

If you want to paint your horse like a rainbow unicorn and pretend your a fairy princess, then do it. Do what makes you happy. Do what you want. Do you. 

I grew up being told all the things I couldn't do because of my size. Never again. I can be who ever i want to be! 

Now I have this beautiful creature to love and train. We are going to go far, I know we will because I have faith in myself, faith in my abilities and faith in my horse. 

Moving On

So I am finally getting Rayna out of our current boarding situation and moving to a new barn that I am going to be working at. I'll just be boarding her there for the summer but it's going to be a much much better environment then where we are now. Things at my current barn have been going downhill. I haven't really trusted the barn owner since she pulled out of the deal we made that involved me bringing Gus the mule to Kentucky with me. Telling someone that they can have an animal they love and then ripping it away is absolutely heartbreaking, that causes a scar that will never truly heal. Saying goodbye to Gus broke my heart. Ever since that things have been different at the barn even strained, just not a happy environment. I did make sure I got a bill of sale for Rayna (never got one when I first bought her) just in case.

The new barn is really nice. Beautiful barn, large outdoor arena and 100 acres of trails. Rayna will have a stall at the new barn (shes's on field board now) which I think will be great for her. It's a quiet barn and most of the time I'll just be left alone to do my thing, which I love. The girl Im going to be working for also mentioned that I could work with her boyfriend paint x draft cross if I wanted to, his name is Webster, and he jumps, Rayna doesn't, I'm really excited to jump again! Hehe

I haven't been riding a whole lot, Rayna's hind feet have been iffy, she stomped them to bits when she had mites and they have been slow to improve much at all. I've found that she got a little sore behind when I rode her because of how unevenly she was putting weight on those hind feet and she would occasionally have a bit of heat and swelling in her right hind ankle. She's been on a combo supplement that includes hooves for about 2 months now, and I recently started her on an expensive but effective hoof hardener, which is definitely working, her hind feet are definitely starting to grow, the farrier even sees improvement!! So I'm going to start riding her again lightly, and I'll stay in grass or sand, no gravel or pavement or rocky woods for awhile.

I really cannot wait to move to Kentucky. I miss having friends to ride with, and I know that my friend Heather could really use me around. We're both lonely at the barn a lot of the time, and both dealing with barn drama. I want to be with her so I can help her and at the same time have someone with me when I ride, Riding alone just plain sucks.