She is not him...

I have been making a big mistake with one of my horses without even realizing it, but it all came out the other night! I have been unknowingly and subconsciously comparing Amber to my old horse Phoenix. Amber and I have issues with our relationship, she knows she makes me nervous. I anticipate her behavior, she feeds off of me and ends up doing exactly what I expected her to do because I basically made her do it. I had a particularly bad ride on her the other night. I rode her in the indoor at night for the first time. It's kind of dark, lots of rustling and noises from the horses on the other half of the indoor, but they're hard to see. Amber was nervous. I kept anticipating her being bad, every time we went past a "spooky spot" I would tense, and the ride just kept getting worse and worse...

I was at my wits end, I stopped her and got off and my boyfriend asked me what was wrong, and without even realizing what I was saying I said "She's not Phoenix." And then I stopped and thought about what I had just said. Have I subconsciously been comparing her to Phoenix this whole time? Do I get so frustrated with her because she's not him? Have all of our issues been on my end? Sure she's a mare with her own mind, but we've been slowly falling apart more and more over the years, I get more frustrated she reads into me more and we just keep falling further and further apart.

I love this horse. If I didn't I would have sold her a long time ago. But I have tried, I can't do it, I just can't. I broke down the last time I tried, crying on the boyfriends shoulder that I was selling my best friend. I love this horse. But I need to figure out how to let her be her. I can't keep trying to make her something that she is not. Phoenix was an amazing once in a life time horse, but that doesn't mean that Amber isn't. She's just a different horse, she's NOT Phoenix, she IS Amber and I need to learn to trust her!